Welcome to BlogImprov.com! Unless you’re me or are here on purpose, you’re probably wondering exactly what BlogImprov.com is and what it’s all about. The idea is simple: Hilarious open discussion about almost anything. Create a topic or join an existing one, and join in the conversation “improv” style! It’s as simple as that. Try to keep it somewhat clean where possible, even though well place expletives can sometimes enhance the laugh. Have fun!
Tonight, I posted something on facebook and realized I used a term that my dad coined. Since he passed away this past April, I thought this would be a great venue to start a list of crazy things my dad used to say. He was a master at messing up the english language… Please add your own too! I expect this list to grow. I can’t remember them all, it’s just that I’m so much like him, they come out on occasion.
Emergency Flakes: Aka Corn Flakes. Because the only time you eat them is in an emergency. That’s why people always add stuff to them, to give it taste.
Fibber Magee’s Closet: Any drawer, cabinet or storage area that is so full, you can’t shut the door. Apparently it was a skit years and years ago, you know the guy who opens the closet door and a bowling ball falls on his head.
Toxadory Phil: Aka Puxatawney Phil, just mispronounced.
Everything’s Chicken: No problems. Usually the conversation went like this – “hey dad, how’s it going?” … “everything’s chicken.”
Hush with your mouth first: nuff said.
Poke and Grits: Hey dad, what’s for supper? Poke-n-grits. Poke yer feet under the table and grit yer teeth.
I guess it grew arms and legs and walked off: Hey dad, do you know where my shoes are? Nope. I guess they grew arms and legs and walked off.
Here’s a story that my wife tells occasionally – it’s what she calls “the day my kids almost died.”
It was the day after Thanksgiving. The year was, 1998. My wife wakes up at 7am and goes to the kitchen and there’s flour and broken eggs all over the kitchen floor and fridge is wide open.
She walks to the kids room. She opens the door and the first thing she sees is Ellen with the Winnie the Pooh plate. She had just finished squeezing the ketchup all over the plate and set the bottle down.
Ellen picks up the plate, flips it over, slams it into the carpet and violently twists it with her hands.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth stands on a stick of butter and smashes it with her feet and exclaims “it’s squishy between my toes”.
My wife looks to the left by the bed, there’s an open gallon of paint, and a giant area of beige paint on the not so beige carpet.
Wife then looks back at the kids and notices Ellen’s blonde curly hair on the floor with a pair of scissors placed right next to it. Ellen’s beautiful goldilock ringlets are gone mixed with the paint, butter and ketchup on the floor.
Without missing a beat she screamed. She spoke like no one should ever speak to no one else. She picked them up, got out the door loaded them in the car. She drove and yelled at them for 45 minutes til they got to Houston. She dragged them into a friends house and explained…
“Children have no good time.”
“No TV”
“no laughing”
“no smiling”
“please try to fix her hair”
They spent the night.
My wife went back home to clean up the mess.
And now a quote from my wife…
“The only reason they didn’t die that day is that it’s illegal to kill them.”
Enjoy children.
A while back a friend and I went on a tangent of thinking up clever sandwich names. There are plenty of restaurants out there that have menu items named after pop culture icons and music/movie/tv personalities. As the list grew our imaginations ignited the following list. Let’s use this list as a starting point and see what you can come up with!
- The Brando-Calrissian – Prime rib sandwich, served with mozerella on sourdough bread with a light dijon mayonaise – garnished with an orange slice and a 40 oz Colt 45. Works everytime…
- Fried Brittany Spears – Dill pickle spears hand-breaded and deep fried, served with K-Fed dipping sauce and a razor.
- The Bilbo Brown-Baggins – Fresh beets from the shire, grilled and topped with kraut and Gandolf sauce and served on rustic rye bread, comes with an Onion ring to rule them all. Perfect for Elevensies!
- The Pita Jennings – Oven roasted chicken breast, lettuce, tomato, and smoked provolone in a Pita shell, served with “ABC’s only” alphabet soup.
- The Hot Doc Brown – Open faced sandwich with turkey, bacon, tomato, smothered in melted cheese, cooked in a 1.21 gigawatt oven and served on french texas toast shaped like a Flux Capacitor. This one’s “Heavy”, so make sure the Libyans don’t get a hold of it!
- The Paul Reuben – Corned beef and kraut piled high on talking rye bread, comes with a side of pee-wee pickles, a cherry, and served inside a giant foil ball. Unzip your pants and give this one a try in public!
- The Gwen Ifil Tower – a heaping, leaning tower of mashed potatoes (with skins) piled high, served with a copy of her latest book about Barack Obama. Now the only debate is what to have for dessert!
Read more…